Issue XVII: Canned Sangria
Sip sip, just chillin’ with my cat
Letter from the Editor
By Lady Margaret Grey McDonald, Editor-at-Large
Hello fellow toads,
Glad to see you back for another helping of Toad Tuesday. Let’s hope my writing is better than my cooking, for both our sakes.
I’m currently enjoying a canned sangria with Elvis, whose new favorite hobby is jumping on the fridge and then crawling on top the kitchen cabinets like a goblin. What a creature!
I still tear up sometimes thinking about how he got left at the shelter for like six whole months. Maybe it’s just the sangria talking, but he’s the best boy! He’s so friendly and he has the funniest little voice and he curls up next to me to sleep at night and I carry him around outside for fresh air! He wakes me up every morning and makes me get outta bed! I love him! This has been Cat Chat, apparently.
Crop Top Cool
By Chutney Phoenix, Canine Couturier
Heyyyyyyyyy party gurls, it’s time to chat couture! I’m suuuure it’s already marked on your calendar, but from April to August, it’s crop top season, dolls. I’ve been rocking my crops every pahhhhhhssible day and I hope you’ve been doing the same. If you missed the yacht on this fashion moment, though, babe, it’s never too late to hop on a dinghy and paddle to catch up with the diva set.
Don’t flip your lid, crop your top! Here are a few of my top tips to get the ~look~.
Gross body? Don’t fret! You can pair your crop top with tall pants and a big jacket so people see only the tiiiiiniest sliver of torso. Mystique is SO chic, gurl.
Don’t own a crop top? Just chop the bottoms off all the tops you already own! A perrrfect excuse to buy a whole new wardrobe when crop season concludes.
Don’t know what to wear your crop top with? Big earrings and a tiny statement purse, babes. Even better if the earrings are larger than the bag! Delicious!
By Custard Whimbley, Professor of Literature
Hello, dear readers, and welcome back to the nook where we just cannot get enough of the written word. That’s right—it’s the book nook!
This installment, I regret to say, finds me disappointed in my weekly read of choice. After an eight week long wait, my hold on The Paris Apartment by Lucy Foley was finally available. Reader, I was eager to devour it after hearing a great deal of hype; however, I didn’t realize that I’d already been let down by another of this author’s works, The Guest List, when I bought a copy to skip the library queue last summer.
Both Guest List and Paris Apartment are comprised of quick chapters from alternating points of view. I also found that both were rife with characters not particularly likable or compelling (when lacking one of these traits, the other is imperative to have). And reader, there was far too much needless melodrama for my tastes (this coming from a lover of the gothic romance!). Et aussi, the prose contained far too many instances where a character utters a French phrase and then its English translation immediately after. I could almost forgive this misstep, but oftentimes, all of the characters in a given scene were meant to be native French speakers, so it pulled me out of the story. I won’t quote directly, but this is how I felt nearly every other chapter concluded:
I may have lived in the gutters, but mon dieu, my god, je ne suis pas une putain, I am not a lowly whore. I have seen things from the shadows that they’ll never know. They couldn’t know. Je mourirais, I would die, before I let them. Merde, someone is coming. They cannot find me. They cannot find out what I’m hiding. It will be the end of this famille, this family, all that I have fought for.
Merde! This one was a dud for me, but not the worst way to spend a summer Saturday respite turning pages on the porch between grading essays.
2.5/5 coffee reheats
Words of the Week:
By Merv Barton
Been out to mow town few times this week
jus t been out on the riding mower
You ever been on one a them ?
mines a TORO brand , could mow a whole golf course
Lookin at a bigger one tho 7gh got too much to mow here
have to be mowin most every day
If I don’t get out there fore the rain hits that grass’ ll b e
Taller n my house in no time
take it easy
This issue is dedicated to canned wine and grocery store sushi.